Devon's Realm

Slowing Down To A Crawl, Part Two

2006-07-20T22:28:00.000-07:00

Here, my subjects, is the thrilling finale of the post started last week...

May
I didn't have a lot of good pics from that month for some reason.

June
Hey! I don't remember posing for this one! Servants, what else have you been doing while I've been sleeping?

What's next, candid bathtub shots?!?

July

There, you're all caught up. Here's what I look like now.

Yes, yes, I know, I promised a fashion show back in January. What are you going to do, revolt?

Slowing Down To A Crawl, Part One

2006-07-18T17:59:00.000-07:00

Faithful (and patient) subjects,

Many of you having been asking why there have been no new posts in these many months. While this concern is understandable, I assure you that there have been many and varied reasons for the delay.

Fortunately, as your benevolent sovereign, I am not required (nor do I wish to bother) to go into all the details. If I did that, then everyone would whine and want excuses every time I was a "little late" with my posts.

If you are part of that small minority who feels this reasoning is unjust, may I humbly suggest the following rebuttal:

(*sigh*) Yes, I know...How darling.

As for the rest of you, here's a consensed version of what has transpired since last I addressed you...

February

Remind me to have the Royal Photographer flogged...

March

You talkin' to me?

April

Could someone give me a push?

TO BE CONTINUED...

Pooped Out

2006-01-27T17:56:00.000-08:00

Subjects,

Prince Devon here, decreeing that at last, the so-called "holiday" season is over. From what I can understand from the glowing box thing, I'm not supposed to say "Christmas" in public. That'll be one of the first laws to get changed, when I get my way, you can be sure of that!

That idiocy notwithstanding, my servant Not took me to see the Fat Man in Red, who is apparently responsible for many of the items that now appear in my Main Throne Room. It was cold and wet and I didn't know then what the purpose of the visit was, but it made Not happy, so that's something.

Many other things have changed since my last entry. For one thing, I've noticed that my fingers have started working properly. Which is to say, I like to steal my servants glasses off their faces for fun. I have to say, being my first servants, they're not bad people. We have lots of laughs together, especially with something called a "raspberry". But Stork help me, if I hear someone say "such a good baby" again, I'll throw up! You know I'll do it!!

But the most significant thing that's happened lately is the food. The servants, predominantly the one Formerly Known as Milk-Giver, have changed what I've been eating. Now I still love the milk, but this new stuff is fantastic! Whether it's the orange glop or the green goo, I'll eat it all. I just wish they wouldn't be so stingy with it.

Now if I controlled the Spoon...

For my next entry, loyal ones, I will treat you to my newly acquired fashion collection. And yes, you'll find it all very adorable.

Time to roll out of here...

Twick or Tweat

2005-10-31T20:21:00.000-08:00

It's been a long two months since I've graced this page with my presence, and that is mostly because Not (I mean, Daddy) spends every waking moment at the computer.

Anyway, today apparently has some sort of cultural significance attached to it, so I decided to make my return. Not that culture means anything to me, mind you. It's yet another of those odd things my infant mind cannot comprehend.

And yes, that is my costume.

Adorable.

As I was saying, a lot has happened since I last posted. My constant vomiting issue has been corrected, through a procedure involving large white rooms and everyone ignoring me when I was hungry.

Also, I've escaped the Bassinet! Or rather, I've been given my own quarters. While this gives me a place to better contemplate future battle strategies, the servants tend to leave me in there alone. A lot.

Not much more to add at this point. I had planned a whole tirade about the decidedly feminine footwear the Milk-Giver had made me wear, but we're past that now.

So, on behalf of myself, the servants and the Dark Lord, Happy Halloween!

Whatever that means...

When The Volcano Blows

2005-08-26T00:07:00.000-07:00

Subjects,

I had planned on imparting all of you with new wisdom this week, but there has been something of an unexpected...uprising. No, I don't mean the peasants are revolting (well, perhaps they are, but I've never smelled them) or some foreign kingdom is waging war against mine. This particular uprising seems to be coming from--

BAAARF!

Ooh...what a mess.

As I was saying, it appears that I'm having some sort of trouble keeping my food down...belch! (Pardon me.)

Now as you well know, I adore my precious milk, and for this to be happening is a horrible and tragic waste. The problem is, I never can tell when it's going to hap--

BAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRFFFFF!

Wow, that was a lot.

And there go my servants, scrambling for even a somewhat clean corner of an overused towel to wipe the slime off of everything within range of my vomit cannon. If it weren't all over my face and in my hair, this would almost be fun. Perhaps, if I could just learn to control it a lit--

RAAAAAALLLLLLPPPPPPHHHHH!!!
BAAAAAARRRRFFFF!
BLAAAARRRGGGHHHH...

I can see this is going to be pointless.

Yuck.

Communication Breakdown

2005-08-16T01:49:00.000-07:00

Pay attention, this is important.

When I'm at the homestead, I don't normally have a lot to say. That is because the only ones I have to speak to are my servants (who are none-too-bright) and two other elusive creatures whom I can only describe as acting in some sort of security capacity (and the only word they seem to know is "meow").

When I feel the need to make something known, I'm sure to anunciate myself clearly and loudly. Now I realize the language of newborn babes is a subtle and complex one, but after a few weeks, anyone should be able to master it (even my dumb old servants). Nine times out of ten, though, they get it completely wrong!

After careful study, I've come to two conclusions:
1. My servants are confusing conversation with crying. Conversation is when I say something like, "My diaper is too tight" or "The left side tastes better". Crying, on the other hand, is what Mommy does when she doesn't get more than an hour-and-a-half of sleep at a time. Oh, boo-hoo!
2. My servants' hearing seems to be defective. I don't know what it is, but sometimes it's like they don't even hear me. I've tried speaking louder, but that gets me nowhere. Maybe I should try speaking slower...

Of course what this all means is, there's a communication problem somewhere. I don't want to point any tiny fingers at anyone, but their initials are "M" and "D". But I'm nothing if not a fair prince, so to help my servants out I've compiled this handy bulleted list of basic baby phrases:

•"WAAAAAH!" = "I'm hungry!"
•"WAAAAAH!" = "I'm hungry NOW!"
•"WAAAAAH!" = "I'm hungry and I have a dirty diaper!"
•"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" = "I'm doing something other than eating!"
•"WAAAAAH! WAAAAAH! WAAAAAH!" = Means nothing, I just throw it in for effect.

See, isn't that easy?

Got Milk?

2005-08-07T14:03:00.000-07:00

This post took somewhat longer for me to compose, mainly due to my difficulty in expressing in words how strongly I feel about something very near and dear to me. And that something, my future subjects, is food.

If pooping is my favorite hobby, then certainly to eat is my addiction.

I don't know what it is, but I can't get enough of the stuff. Any time, any place, just let me belly up to the bra and I'm happy as, well, a baby in a brown diaper.

And besides, without milk, how can one poop in the first place? As someone wiser that I once said, "That's the circle of life."

In order to better elucidate what this never-ending supply of precious manna means to me (and why my quest for it drives my servants to sheer madness), I have composed this simple haiku:

My soul cries for milk;

Please take me to the mountains.

My tank is not full.

All this talk about milk is making me so hungry, I can barely udder another word. And so, I shall sup and then sleep. I wonder what dairy-induced imagery my slumber will bring to my small, but willful mind?

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

2005-07-30T15:03:00.000-07:00

As those who've had the blessed privilege of changing my royal diaper can tell you, I was born with a gift.

And that gift is the ability to poop at will.

It doesn't matter if I've been changed twenty times since breakfast #3, a clean diaper on my rosy bottom is surely doomed. You'd be amazed by the variety of colors I've been able to conjure up. The less said, the better about the aroma (can I get a patent on that?).

You might think it cruel of me to inflict such horror on my dreary-eyed, barely useful servants, but I find it helps to keep them on their toes. Besides, what else is a baby supposed to do to keep himself amused? I don't even know how to work the T.V. remote yet!

If you'll excuse me now, I think I'm ready to fire off another salvo.

Ewww, that one was a little wet.

Servants, attend me!

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

2005-07-27T06:21:00.000-07:00

Now that I have your attention, allow me to introduce myself.

My name is Devon, but you may refer to me as Prince Devon or Your Majesty. I currently oversee a very small territory known as The Bassinet. I think that's French for something, but what do I know, I'm just a baby!

I have two servants who take care of all my needs. The first one I know as The Milk-Giver and the other one is Not. For our purposes here, I will refer to them by the common terms "Mommy" and "Daddy", respectively.

My favorite game to play with them is Guess What I'm Crying About This Time. I have to give it to Mommy and Daddy, they're catching on to the rules quick. I might have to change the game a little now. Maybe we'll have a couple of rounds of What's That Smell?

Uh-oh. I think it's diaper changing time.

Hey! You with the milk! I've got a surprise for you!